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12:42pm 30/10/2004
mood: I could picture your smile
This is how pathetic I am, the only number I have memorized isnt even in service. Sad, I know. If i were to lose my phone, I dont know what I would do.

enough lollygaggin' for now, I really need to blow dry my hair and take off... work, again.
The move went as expected.   
11:14am 25/10/2004
mood: I miss her... more then ever.
well I moved and it took me nearly a month to get back on line... but I am back.

A few things have changed. I no longer work at Citarella. Im currently helping a friend out just for a week before I start my long awaited job at Cafe Grey (a four star chef, Grey Kunz). I'm going from one job to the other with out a break... I know it'll break me having no days off and being sick with a cold . I just have a hard time saying no to people who ask me for help... hence this busy work schedule Ive some how obtained.

any ways. I'll up date more once I have a minute. I have to try to get some rest before I go to work.
01:59pm 01/10/2004
mood: if I could run over the seas
And the move begins today! My last day of work is next Friday and then is when I start over again. I love new episodes of life, its all so thrilling and fresh. New job, new apartment, new people to meet and new questions. Of course there will be the some of the old issues as before, but to think they are going to be at new places... it gives me chills.
1 word| informer
08:26pm 26/09/2004
mood: Vakuous.
Last Cigarette: just a minute ago while Iwas on the phone with my old friend Kara.
Last Alcoholic Drink: I'm drinking a beer as we speak. Rogue to be precise.
Last Car Ride: Last Monday while I was completely innihilated drinking with the ladies of Annisa. I love those ladies so.
Last Kiss:real kiss (with tongue)? Oh I would have to say at least a week or so ago. But a regular kiss on the lips, this morning with Sarah.
Last Good Cry: Last weekend... thinking of Millie.
Last Library Book: Oh I havent went to the library in forever. I buy all my books.
Last book bought: The Fountain Head by, Ayn Rand.
Last Book Read: Im still in the process of reading it, The Life Of Pi. It doesnt seem good though, I may have to stop reading it.
Last Movie Seen in Theatres: Garden State.
Last Movie Rented: Moster. It scared the shit out of me, I almost wish I didnt see it.
Last Cuss Word Uttered: Most likey fuck. Cause Im a sailor like that.
Last Beverage Drank: my beer that Im still drinking.
Last Food Consumed: Dumplings
Last Crush: Millie... it's still on going, but Im trying to recover from it as you all can read.
Last Phone Call: Kara Montoya... an old, dear, sweet friend.
Last TV Show Watched: Real World.
Last Time Showered: just a bit ago actually... it was nice too.
Last Shoes Worn: flip flops while I was doing my laundry.
Last CD Played: Radio Head on my mp3.
Last Item Bought: Chinese food. I wasnt in the mood for cooking nor did I have any food in my fridge in cook with.
Last Download:I dont remember, perhaps a song?
Last Annoyance: can I only name one? Possibely my lack of enthusiasm.
Last Disappointment: when I realized I stayed at my job for all the wrong reasons. prioritize amorette!
Last Soda Drank: soda? I don't remember, maybe a week ago or something like that... if that?
Last Thing Written: Im the queen of doodling, so even as we speak I'm in the mist of.
Last Key Used: >
Last Words Spoken: Okay Kara take care and we'll talk soon.
Last Sleep: My delicious cat nap I took earlier.
Last Ice Cream Eaten: Ice Cream? Oh I dont remeber, a while ago though.
Last Chair Sat In: my oh sooooo comfy computer chair. ummmmm.
Last Webpage Visited: simple survey.com
slack ass, just do it!   
09:55am 26/09/2004
mood: when I figure out whats
Maybe in my next life I will be more productive and active, because I'm certainly not in this one. I'm one of the great lolligaggers of my time... something that I should not be as proud of as I am.

Today is the last time I hit up that raunchy laundry mat, Im moving to bigger and better places.
I'll up date more later.
09:19am 25/09/2004
mood: I hum, I sigh, I giggle,I kiss
I thought it was note worthy to mention that I live in a pig sty. I dont know how I let this apartment get so out of hand, but it definitely has the elements of rankness that I dont want any affiliation with. I am so glad we are moving out of this apartment, it would take weeks to get it back up to par with all the furniture in it. When the apartment is empty, at least it wont be so difficult to clean. So yeah, I move next Friday! While I was chilling out in my mess of an apartment last night I thought to myself, I am proud of my self for not leaving NYC. I am the queen of picking up and leaving everything that was once familar... I am a good runner (not literally of course). If I dont like whats going on in my life I will pick up and move to another state, hence Boston, New Mexico and New York. I am fully aware that perhaps I should have a different method of dealing with issues, but in all honesty, this method works, so why fix somethin' thats aint broke? I get to travel the states, work in various environments AND met new people at the same time. I think the main reason for me not moving is, where else would I go? I dont think there is any where else in the state where I could possibly live, I would have to move abroad. Spain sounds yummeh, doesnt it?

Well, I'm almost finished drinking my cup of coffee. I should start to pick up the grossness and start packing a little before i have to go in and allocate uniforms. The grocery store sounds like a good motion as well.
08:08pm 23/09/2004
mood: I knew I would fall for you
Days have pasted, motion have ran and feelings are high. It took nearly a week for me to feel 'alright', but now I do feel good. I looked at her today and thought to myself "we could be friends" but in all actuality, I know we couldnt be friends, although the thought of it makes me feel all that much better.
In other work news, I meet a new friend. It's far and few in between that I actually meet a girl that I dont find attractive (in a sexual way) and who's really cool AND into cooking the way that I am. This girl had me cracking up so hard that my side was hurting after the day was over.... good times were had.
Onto other news.... Since I am the queen of procrastination, I have not started to pack yet nor really really look for a new job. Granted I have spoke to various people about trying to get me into Grey Cafe, I havent went to try to get my self into their by my self. Some how I said "other news", but this is still work related. Argh, my life consist of nothing else but work! Perhaps I should join a cult or start making doll houses like I really want to (not that I actually want to join a cult). I totally want to start making doll house like I use to back in the day. Building something with my own hands and seeing the finished product gave me so much joy... I really need to get back into that.

Only one more useless day of work till I get my glorious two days off. woo-hoo!

Lesson of the day. Dont let one life situation predict your emotional state.
Im the Queen of Procrastination.   
07:38pm 19/09/2004
mood: The pace of fall foliage
SO now that this weekend is over, so is my drunken endeavor. I've realized a few things about my self and about my life this weekend and now I think it's time to continue on with my true intent...it'll be hard though. Ultimately I will never get the woman I covet, but I think I'm okay with it... I have to be. Another realization I came to this weekend is, I think Im ready to date again. It's been a year since Stacey and I have not been together and although I care for her, I think I can start to see if there is another women out their for me in my life (preferably one that is not married nor straight).

Ive put in my notice at work, letting them know that I will be looking for a new job soon. It's time for me to move on. I stayed at that particular job for all the wrong reasons and now that Ive realized whats happening in my life, it's no longer a place that I need to be at. I'm not gaining much knowledge and it's not that I make terrific money to compensate for it, so why not leave. In all honestly Im leaving because the lady told me she was leaving. I know I cant go in to the job and be content with my decision of staying their, if I were to. Also the reminder of her will be all too tragic for me, hence my departure. Over all it will be a positive move for me and it can only lead to more prosperous horizon. Im happy that I can now understand that, Im happy that I can grasp the concept of never getting the women I adore so much and ultimately Im happy with my self for dealing with it as well as I did. Granted it did take a lot of alcohol and a lot of late night conversations with my loved one for me to understand this... but all in all, this is hardy what I call a tragedy.

So yes, I will be moving apartments soon, I will have a new job and finally I can start going out to meet new women. Let the new season began!
Can I love her any more then I do?   
10:30pm 15/09/2004
mood: from the moment I wake to the
I havent stopped drinking in days, I dont sleep nor eat and I hate whats going on in my life right now, but alas, such is life, I suppose. Of course she's married and I will ultimately never get her, but I feel so much better now that issues are clear...well sorta. I gave her a note the other day and well, everything went as expected... still very confusing. Ive talked to my father and brother about whats going on in my life and well, I still feel like shit. I know life will get more promising but for now my heart is breaking. I remember when Oliver told me that she would crush me, destroy me and break me, but I didnt want to listen to him at that time. I still dont want to hear it, although I cant hear anything else right now. At times I know exactly what Im doing, exactly what I want, exactly whats going on and then there are those moments when notions in space sleep with me. If you were only to know how deep your smile is, how hard your love is, how wild your passion is then....

If I could fly my kite right now, that would make me feel so much better.
07:31pm 09/09/2004
mood: captious.
I was so upset and busy yesterday that I forgot to buy the NY Times to read the dinning review. If youre a food nerd like I am, then to read the Times on a wednesday is normal. So what I missed was a four star restaurant review about PerSe (Thomas Keller). To all of you folks out their that dont know, now there are only 5 four star restaurants in Manhattan, BOULEY, DUCASSE, LE BERNARDIN, DANIEL and now (finally) PERSE. There are thousands of restaurants in NYC but very few get selected and deserve to be four stars! I actually have a friend that works their, IM going to have to call her up to congratulate her and her team.

In other news, today was another complete waste of a day. I mean I was extremely productive and busy at work, but I think the anger carried over from yesterday. I was so livid from yesterdays incident that I couldnt talk to "the woman" until half the day was over, then we went and to get lunch for me. By the time we were ready to leave, we managed (some how) to get into another argument just by the way I walk down the stairs (apparently too fast for her good).This women is so high maintenance that it almost doesnt even seem worth it to be friends. YOu know, IM the first to say I am a quiter and Im not ashamed to say that. I was not willing to work it out with Stacey (whom I loved dearly) and I wasnt willing to work it out with Elena (whom I loved more then I've ever loved any one) and to think that I wont quite on this lady... I wont even give it a second thought. She might be beautiful and clever, but that is certainly not enough to keep me around. She acts as though we are married (I swear she does), when in all reality we not even serious...were not anything of any significance (thats what I dont get). I really have this severe attraction issues towards hyper femme, beautiful, high maintenance women that should stop, because apparently they dont seem to work out. Tomorrow we have a date to hang out after work but I really dont think it will work out, I mean I cant even stand to be around this women for a half an hour much less a couple of hours alone...fuck that. yeah so thats that. Im not hanging out with her, lets see if I can actually stick to my guns with this plan... with my passive ass. This week has been horrible with her, and thats a for a lack of better words.
08:55pm 08/09/2004
mood: I'm trying too hard.
HOw are you going to say mean comments to someone, then once you've figured out that you've actually hurt the persons feelings, say you were only kidding? I hate that passive aggressive bullshit! I am so jaded by this particular situation that I cant even stand it anymore. And to think I was in a good mood this morning, that went down the drain this about a foot of rain that also came down. argh.

I want life to be idyllic.
I thrive best hermit style, with a beard and a pipe and a parot on each side.   
10:16am 06/09/2004
mood: one hand loves the other so.
I went out the other day, I believe Friday, after work for a drink. The company was fine, I was with people/co-workers with whom I normally talk to on a frequent basis. I dont know what over came me, I became this totally coy, bashful person that I'm regularly not. Last night while I could not fall asleep, I was wondering what the hell happened. I don t think I felt inadequate, I think it more more of a crush that I cant do anything about. I am completely smittend and captivated with this lovely young lady whom I adore so much, but more then likely nothing will ever transpire from it (various complicated issues are involved, but do ya think I like her enough?). So I think my natural reaction was to shroud my self just in case any feeling may of came out. At a certain moment I had to fully cover my face out of embarrassment due to a conversation that was about me eating her out... oh the cruelty of the vocalization had me nearly hiding under the table. The weird part about it all is, its not as though I havent thought about it and more then likely she has thought about it too, but just to hear it aloud...agh. I couldnt even look at her afterwords because of my shyness. And what I think to be the most fucked about this entire qualm is, Im still not ready to be in a relationship yet. I want to continue to indulge my self in work before I even think about settling into a relationship.

In other news, last night while I was unable to fall asleep, I watched the Adult Swim on Cartoon network then Ellen Degeneres and some other random crap. I forgot how much I totally love staying up late at night and not waking up early in the morning. I dont know what Im doing with these horrible banker hours I've some how ended up with? I think I settled for mediocrity just so I can wake up and have breakfast with the lovely lady... I really need to prioritize my life. Forks before a crook pot, happiness before wishful thinking, excellence before mediocrity...prioritize. I was just talking to my father about this yesterday too, I'm really stubborn sometime, I dont even want to listen to my self as I sit here and waste time.

But now I can't do this with out you... I never thought I would compromise.
08:16pm 05/09/2004
mood: Just because I give you a inch
Molly and Seth...it's all an illusionCollapse )

I woke up this morning to go to a friends apartment to watch some cartoons that he Tivo'd. Came back home to talk to my father for a few hours on the phone, then made dinner for Sarah and I (well a pseudo dinner only because it was more of a late lunch). Other then that, I managed to do nothing for yet another day. I did conjure an idea that people should be some what like marsupials. Purses would become obsolete, every one would sport KangaRoo's and no one would have to worry about pick-pocketer. IM not sure how Im going to finagle that idea into reality, but I do think it is a grand idea indeed. So yes, Im am a little bored. Tomorrow is the Caribbean parade, Ive went every year Ive lived here, so I dont see why I wouldn't go this year. Any way, it would give me a excuse to do something rather then just sit around thinking of you know who.haha.

yes, another day. I think Im on my stride of writing in Lj again....
aimless entry.   
04:27pm 04/09/2004
mood: every boy is a snake is a lily
Thats right ladies, Ive managed to do nothing all day except motivate my self enough to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. My plan is working and I didnt even know I had a plan... weird how the subliminal brain waves actually work.

I have a book I need to finish reading and another book I need to start reading, but I havent been in much of a mood to read as of late... IM really unmotivated these days. I need to buy crickets for my animals, but once again I dont think i want to leave the apartment until tomorrow.

I think i sound like this... blah, blah, blah blahah. I'm not sure whether I should post this entry or not.

Shit, I might as well, I already went through the effort to proof read it. A random thought.
The passivity is wearing thin.   
09:01am 04/09/2004
mood: mellow
My motion came true! My three day weekend that I was wishing for so enviously came, now I dont know what IM going to do. Isn't that funny, I wanted something so bad and now that I have it, I dont know what IM going to do with it. Such is the case with a lot of things in my life. wack.

Did I mention I will be moving apartments at the end of this month? It's right around the corner (literally) and around the same price range as my currant apartment. Although the new one has a washer/dryer (inside my very own apartment and it's brand spankin new too), dish washer and a lovely new double door/ice maker fridge (kitchen equipment totally turns me on, can you tell?). I'm stoked about moving, well not about the actual move, but the apartment. The 2-3 hour laundry mat excursions will become obsolete. Yay, I cant wait for that to happen.

So what else. It's Saturday morning, I'm drinking a cup of coffee, listening to Bob Marley, not working... can life get any better then this?

Im sure I'll write more later on today and this weekend, but I think I going to make some breakfast and possibly read or watch t.v.
Hedonism Prolifereates.   
09:20pm 31/08/2004
mood: musingly droned.
I bought the new Bjork album Medulla... god, is it phenomenal(hence my title). I know Im completely bias, but her album has aspects that expose a new realm to music and travel profusely. Its unbelievably infectious.

What else is new in my life? Oh I bought a coffee maker at Target last weekend, now I go to work all diabolically driven.haha. No but really, some times I get out of hand with the caffeine, I should keep a tight eye on the amount I consume. (Im now on my third round of listening to Medulla... a slight bit compulsive dont ya think?) Yeah with that been said, I dont think I have much more to write about, possibly t.v can dull my mind enough to catch some zzzz's soon. POssibly, maybe.
to covet from a far isnt the same as stalking, is it?   
11:07pm 29/08/2004
mood: complacent
Yet again, Im not ready to start my week of work, but oddly, all I did this weekend was research recipes and watch the cooking net work... isnt that funny. I know I have issues that need to be dealt with, but I dont think thats one of them.

My roommate is having man issues. She had this on going relationship-break up issue for something like 3-4 weeks now, and I was getting a little frustrated ('little' being used out of consideration) with the perpetual conversation of. I think she may have it figured it out this week, or rather excepted the the reality of the issue, so that makes me feel a little better. I was getting wore out constantly listening to possibilities of what may of happened 'if it would of been this way' or 'what did I do wrong?' and 'why is he such an asshole?' conversation... it was getting feeble. Nonetheless I was there for her and I can only hope that life is getting better and slightly easier for her to except. LIfe is arbitrary and you have to take it with stride, if not it can all be very over whelming. Yeah, so thats another chapter in her life and all I did was give her the best advice one can possible conceive... I think I did a good job.

So now Im ready to lye down and drone out to my dreams. I hope this week is a productive week... for all. enjoy.
It feels like Fall out side.   
11:14am 22/08/2004
mood: complacent
The breeze has this whimsical effect on me, it's the essence of a new season and I love it.

I have so much laundry to do today it's almost obscene...wait it is obscene. I want to go horse back riding at Prospect Park, but I dont know if I will have enough time after I do the enormous amount of laundry I have. I also want to go watch Spider Man duex... again I dont know if I will have enough time to get every thing in on my last day of the weekend. I think weekends should consist of three days rather then two. A five day week of working is way too long and two days off isnt nearly enough time to get every thing done and have a restful time. Lets make this motion happen kids...Three day weekends in lieu of two day weekends.
1 word| informer
Like sand through the hour glass, these are the days of our lives.   
08:53pm 17/08/2004
mood: im tired of the useless drama.
have I mentioned lately how much I hate the ladies? Im just being a little girl (over dramatic) but that doesnt mean that almost every lady I talked to today sucked. I ask my self, why do I covet a lady when I know I dont want it to go any where (or do I just tell my self that to stay safe?)? I cant control my emotional state, it's like when she comes around me I have this impetuous feeling of love and hate ride over me and I cant control it... I think it's her sheer beauty and her unobtainable status hitting me all at one time. damn that lady!

yeah, so thats that.

I have to wake up at 3 am to do a intern (or something like that) with appearently one of the best pasta makers around. So with that been said, my ass needs to get some sleep.

I promise to write more soon, Ive totally been slacking on the LJ thing.
Gallent women of my life.   
01:46pm 01/08/2004
  It Sunday and the weekend is almost over. I have to go to the Swash Bucklers going away party and meet the rest of the gang. Life is sort of amusing at this point for me. I still cant get Stacey off my mind although it's not nearly as bad as Millie in my thoughts. Ive been reading a lot more then I have in a while. Last night was the full blue moon and I thought of Christina. I was thinking for the first time I think Christina put a spell on me to make me fall in love with her, although I dont think it really took that much for me to do so. Ive had 3 great loves in my life, Christina - my first, Elena- no one like I've ever meet in my life and then Stacey- the most caring. All three have something in common, probably the most beautiful ladies I have every seen in my entire life and also the most charming. I feel my self falling deeper and deeper in love with Millie, I see all the great loves in one women, its really sad...really. I love her and I know it's going to be difficult to do any thing with her (with her being married and all). BUt I cant seem to get her of my mind. I wake up in the morning with her first thing in my thoughts and then we see each other all day, just for me to talk about her all night and then fall asleep with her in my thoughts. I'm really confused about all of this, I cant seem to shake her. I dont think it would be that bad if it was only one sided, but it's not. SHe gives me this glares that I havent really got from any one else in my entire life, then she tells me she loves me and make me melt. My love life is really silly. I come home to myself and think my silly thoughts, but it's all about this one amazingly beautiful lady... Millie.